Opening doors

 This week has been nonstop school. I worked a couple days this week, but that seems like forever ago. So the main meat of this blog will just be school. I am currently in advanced physical assessment. It's my last class before I start clinical rotations and Im enjoying it quite a bit. Ive enjoyed the last few classes between patho and pharm, but what I have enjoyed about this class is the hands on things I get to learn and do. Instead of weekly papers or discussions, this class we are assigned assessments to film each week. Yes, it's still a pain, but honestly more enjoyable than discussions. Drew was kind enough to help me film my video this last week for school. He was a super good model patient for my abdominal exam. 

We made sure to grab lunch after the homework was done. The rest of the week has taken place in sunny (thank goodness - much needed break from gloomy freezing SLC) phoenix, AZ. This weekend is what my school calls Immersion days. It's pretty much just three full days on in-person learning and hands-on experience with colleagues and patients. I was kind of dreading having to take time off work, travel down here and spend money all for school - but it's been totally worth it. This weekend has been a lot of fun and i've learned a lot of valuable things. 

Do I look like an educated enough human to be diagnosing people?? Still a scary thought...

One of the highlights of the weekend was today - learning the well woman's exam. That might sound weird and honestly I think a lot of what I do everyday and what I enjoy in medicine is weird to people, but yeah - I really enjoyed learning how to do a proper pelvic exam. I think A. it's cool to conquer something so unknown and maybe even a little scary. They created a really good and comfortable learning environment that this weekend wasnt scary at all, but still Im not very comfortable in women's health at all considering I work at the VA. B. I am interested in pursuing women's health due to having not the best experiences in the past for myself. Today our patient and instructor demonstrated ways to better these experiences for women everywhere. IDK - I think it would be cool to be one of the few freaking awesome and compassionate gynecology providers - because we all know they are needed. C. The human body is so dope. Seeing the and feeling the female anatomy was just cool and crazy. So yeah - call me crazy but it was in fact the highlight. We also learned suturing today which was decently fun. A little frustrating at first bc Im so slow, but I could see how it could be really fun once I get good at it. Anyways - I know I complain about school and will continue to do so, but I am grateful for it. Earlier this week a co-worker of mine straight up laughed at me when I mentioned "the doors" FNP school would open for me. She stated "What doors? the only door it'll open is for you to do botox" I then stated "well actually I already opened the botox door for myself by getting that education years ago" Im surrounded by many people in SLC who settle for very little. who think Im stupid and laugh at me for getting more education. My whole life Ive been taught that education is one of the greatest things you could do for yourself. for your life. for your future. Your agency. Education gives you the freedom to live a better life. And I fully intend on that happening due to this degree Im working for. Im not bagging on my current job at the VA - I love it. It's great for right now. But I do want to open some doors for myself so Im not wiping butts until retirement. Im grateful for my love of learning and for the determination and desire (sometimes it's greater than other times) to accomplish goals and become better. And honestly even if this didn't do anything for me in the future - Im learning so much on how to be a better RN which Im using in practice right now. So no regrets here. Ok there's my rant on school. 

I had to make some time for the temple! A new temple for me! Don't ask me why I like to go to so many new temples. I think it's just my personality. I like lists. Whether it's adding a new temple to my list or a new country or checking off my list of things to do. I don't know. someone diagnose me. Anyways - I couldn't spend four days down here and not make some time for the temple. Glad I did. I find a strength and confidence in life from going to the temple. A sense of everything is going to be ok. It's refreshing in a world and in a time of life where it doesn't seem that way. It's nice to feel close to my savior and like Erin is with me. I think heaven is a lot closer in the temple. Ive been doing better I think lately. Im sure with school picking up it helps. Instead of crying multiple times a day I probably only cry a few times a week or only short small cries a few times a day. Grief is really funny - I don't think Ive ever experienced grief as intensely as I recently have and so that's why Im documenting. Right now - I still spend most nights before bed scrolling through photos and videos. I laugh and I cry. But I also just feel like there isn't enough. I wish I had more photos and more videos and more memories. I also have this sense of fear like I'm going to forget all our memories. like I'm going to forget her voice or the funny things she'd say. I know I won't forget about her, but I think it's just scary trying to move on. It's really hard to explain. And it just makes me cry - why do I do this to myself haha. anyways - life would just be a whole lot easier if you were still here Erin. Miss you bb so much that words can't even explain - hence my incomprehensible word vomit in all my recent blogs. 

Lastly - a little sibs (minus jack) FaceTime. Don't mind my face - I had to focus on pushing both buttons to screenshot this (I know, boomer). Love my family, they are the best. Ok early morning flight back to catch tomorrow. adios.