2025

 Im not really sure where to start because the last couple weeks have been a blur. So I'm just gonna let my photos guide the way. And with that we'll start with Zion! I feel like it's a loose tradition of ours to try and end the year/start the new year on top of angels landing. 

This year was extra special seeing that mom joined us (she's not usually a fan of the early mornings - I don't blame her) and it was Emma's first time ever in Zion! And thank goodness because Emma was the one who miraculously got the lottery tickets. 

The weather was perfect and we had the trail all to ourselves on the way up (the beauty of going early).

The sunrise was seriously beautiful this morning

As we were coming down the trail drew says "we headed to oscars after this? Ive never been there for breakfast - I hear it's good" We laughed and Dad and I quickly remember a specific incidence where we know for sure drew had breakfast at Oscars. I even pulled up the picture to prove it haha this is why it's important to take photos - for proof. It was a super fun morning with the family. The rest of Saturday consisted of taking a nap, saying goodbye to Erin, crying, watching the BYU bowl game and getting an SI injection. What a day. Sunday was Evan's farewell - he's gonna crush it in Tanzania. 

I had already called out of work sunday night so Monday I headed back up north try and get back to normal life. It's been hard. and weird. and it hasn't made sense if Im being honest. Tuesday morning I got a dutch bros drink on my way home that morning. And this was only 1 of 3 I had this last week. Work has been a good distraction, but it's a struggle to find the motivation to get to work. 

Luckily work has been ok this week - I even got to take a nap! I'll try to explain how Ive been feeling this week. To begin - I think the best word in numb. Im not sure if this just comes from the emotional wreck Ive been for the last couple weeks and now Im just emotionless ( I still cry plenty). Somedays it still doesn't feel like Erin is gone, like I don't believe it. It feels like just yesterday we were at the BYU game together so it's hard to believe she isn't here anymore. But then when I want to tell her something or send her something I get the strong realization that she is gone and it sucks all over again. I tell myself each day that Erin would want me to move on and live my life and not be sad forever, so I try and get over it. But I can't, yet. And also I feel a guilt trying to get over it this fast, but also I feel bad still dwelling on it. IDK this week has been really confusing and it doesn't make sense to me the way I feel so I'm not sure why I thought I could even try to explain it. I also think it's even more difficult to be happy right now because even outside of losing my best friend there is really nothing happy in life right now. Winter is hard for me as is. Plus the mundane school and work schedule that Im barely surviving doesn't help. Not trying to have a pity party, but just being real. I do have ok moments, but they don't last long. Well - Im not even going to try a proofread this paragraph because I already know it doesn't make sense. Moving on - 

I attended my first new temple of the year - Layton, UT temple. This is one place ok moments happen. There is a lot of peace I get to feel here, but doesn't mean I still don't just cry in the temple. 

Good friends who hangout with me. but id be lying if I said everything is normal while hanging out with them as well. IDK why but it just isnt. I know I need to see people, but most the time I don't want to. And like I said I feel some what guilty trying to act normal as if nothing happened only a week ago. But I think it's still good of me to try. This night - I really did appreciate Karee. She surprised me (scared the crap out of me in my room) with a dutch bros (second of the week). We sat and chatted and caught up with each other. We ended up crying too. But it was nice to have someone that was just there for me. She just sat with me, listened and cried with me. Maybe I appreciated it so much because she didn't make me feel like I needed to move on. She allowed me to feel how I truly feel. IDK still confusing, but that was super nice of her. 

Friday was the viewing and Saturday the funeral. Erin could tell you how much Ive been dreading her funeral. I don't like funerals - all I do is cry. BUT I was actually excited for this weekend. Mostly to see and hug her family. 

It was honestly the most beautiful weekend. Erin looked so good and actually happy as she lay in her had picked casket. It's pretty cool how much Erin did for her own funeral. She picked out all the pictures and videos to make a big 2 hour long slide show. As I hugged Frank he said "That whole damn video is of you" then he joked about copyright stuff haha. Well if I were to have a video of my life right now it would probably be mostly of Erin too. It was so good to see the Hursts. I sure love them. They all gave great talks and I applaud them because I can't imagine speaking (especially in front of that whole crowd - Erin has lots of people that love her) at my sister/daughters funeral. 

I loved celebrating Erin and her life all weekend long. Watching all the horrendous pictures and videos play in the slide show and listening to stories Ive heard before or new ones from family members. It was a hard weekend, but a really good one. And Im glad I got to spend some more time with my family. It would've been a lot more difficult if I was alone. So thank you family for driving up to the middle of nowhere. 

And I'll say it - it was good to see all these girls again. DSU XC had its perks. 

Last picture with all of us in it. Wing Women for life. Erin was the glue for all of us, so it'll be interesting to see what happens over the years, but I think we'll still get together each year just for her sake. Because I know Erin would be mad if we never saw each other again after this weekend. SO yeah. Sorry for another depressing blog, but that's just how life is. Still good people and still good times, but I think I just need to be patient. OH also I want to share my goals. Im actually excited about my goals this year because they aren't like the goals I usually give myself. I feel like new years resolutions for me are usually lose ten pounds, serve others more, read my scriptures everyday blah blah blah. All good things but they never happen - let's be honest. I honestly have very low hopes for this year anyways so I thought Id do just some goals that might not make me a completely better or transformed person but goals that I want to do for myself and that Ill actually achieve. SO Goal #1 - Attend every temple in UT. Im not the greatest at reading my scriptures ( I mean in general I just don't like reading), but I really do love going to the temple. And I love going new places and checking things off my list. SO I think I have 6 more to attend this year thus far and they are all fairly far away, but Im motivated to do it. Goal #2 - A more intense oral care routine. I already brush my teeth multiple times a day but I want to get into using mouthwash. haha random but I want to. mouthwash and flossing 3x a week. Last but not least Goal #3 - Learn the BYU fight song!! This goal came to my mind this weekend. Erin knew the song at three years old so I think I can do it. Plus the FOMO I feel at games is real when I can't sing along. but that's a wrap on this week and that's a wrap on my 2025 goals. woohoo