A rough Christmas

 Alright Im warning you now - this isn't going to be a light, fun and joyful Christmas post. I have a lot on my mind and lots of feelings in my heart over these last couple of weeks that I want to write down. So don't tell me I didn't warn you. Well to begin - yes it's been a couple weeks since I last posted. That's because life has been too ridiculously overwhelming these last couple of weeks. To be able to have Christmas off as well as the few days after Christmas I had to work an insane amount of shifts in a row. I was scheduled 4 shifts with one day off another 4 shifts then one day off and finally three last shifts before coming home on the night of the 23rd. Well I worked pretty much all those shifts, but I took some much needed time off as well to be able to physically and emotionally get through those weeks. Honestly all my shifts were pretty good. I had, for the most part, great patients and some that I really really loved. One good thing about working so much in a row is if you have patients that are there the whole time you get to really know them. And this is enjoyable when they are actually pleasant people. I had the opportunity to take care of the sweetest man named Duane who had a simple back surgery that happened to have gone just a little wrong. This (fairly common and non serious mistake) is called a dural tear. Which means Duane had to lay flat for a certain amount of time to allow the tear to heal. Well, it just so happened he ended up having a good enough tear he had to lay down for 72 hours. SO for all those days I had him I was able to talk with him a lot, try to help him eat, drink, complete hygiene, poop and everything else that is made difficult when lying flat. We became close after those many days. It was a super good day to see him walk out of the hospital in time for Christmas. He called me (the nurses station) later that day he was discharged and thanked me for the care I had given him. It really doesn't happen that often, but when this happens it really does mean a lot and it motivates me to keep doing what Im doing. One day I also wiggled my way into the OR with my coworker Alex. Her patient was getting his leg amputated and I told her we should go and watch it - so we did. The vascular attending is one of my favorite doctors. Most surgeons are arrogant and cocky, but Dr. Kinikini is a good kind of cocky where he loves showing off by teaching you more about certain procedures or really anything. So he was happy to have us in his OR.

Ive never felt so official than in this moment wearing the OR garb. 

I honestly wanna work in here so bad. 

The surgery was amazing in every sense. Yes I loved the blood and gore, but I also just think its amazing watching them confidently chop off a leg and doing all the little things so that it heals correctly and that it is best case for the patient. I learned that they keep the calf muscle and bring that up over the stump as a protective pad. SO when a patient says their lower leg is hurting like with phantom pain - technically they do still have parts of their lower leg muscle. It's just not where it usually is. And this right here folks is why I find it so important that us floor nurses see these surgeries - so we can further educate the patient! Anyways - it was a great day. I got to carry the chopped off foot to the front desk to be taken to biohazard waste. And I also got hit in the face with a piece of tibia while kinikini was using the bone saw. The only bad thing is man standing there for two hours messed up my back for dayssss. Worth it, but it might not be smart to work in the OR after all. 

The face of someone who has worked 80 hours in a week. I was so ready for a break and the next day of work was my eight hour that I was supposed to work in the clinic for SO it was a great opportunity to call the freak out. and that is what I did. Did I mention I was also in the last two weeks of school at this point. my seventh week of school included a huge case study presentation and my eight week was finals. So if I look dead - that's why - I was. 

Thursday I spent the whole day studying and finishing up homework. Treated myself to a temple date that evening. I like to take advantage of living so close to so many temples by visiting new ones regularly. To the Tooele temple I went! It's brand new and it makes number 24 on my list of temples Ive done ordinances in. It's about an hour drive there, which was nice. I enjoyed some quiet time not thinking about school or work and just listening to Christmas music. Oh and the route I took was a highway in the middle of nowhere so it was also nice to not just be driving the traffic of I-15. Overall it was a super nice evening away from the noise of life. There are still many things I don't understand when going to the temple, but the one thing I do know is the peace I feel there. Right now there are many big question marks in my life and thoughts of doubt and worry and even times where Im just not sure If I can or want to keep going. The temple offers me strength to keep going and heals my soul of the doubts and worry of the world. 

Friday I spent the morning studying and was determined to get my final over with as soon as possible. Which I did. 80% and a final grade of 86%. Barely passing (84 is needed to pass), but I did it. I spent the rest of the day doing chores, spending some time outside and shopping! 

Saturday through Monday I was scheduled for my last three days before Christmas. Sunday was so busy I sadly forgot it was even the sabbath. The Sunday before Christmas is always the best sacrament meeting of the year, so Im sad to have missed it, but I like to think Jesus is still happy that I took care of people all day. I had the sweetest dementia patient - Reed this day. He really did make my day. We started off the morning with a bath and a haircut. When I first saw him in the morning I told him we should clean him up for the day. I offered him a brush and said "you look like Einstein with your hair!" He said he had been wanting a haircut for awhile so I told him he came to the right place. If all dementia patients were like him I would be totally fine to work specially with that population. Anyways it was still a good sabbath day. But my mind was on my friend Erin the whole weekend. Friday night she let me know she was starting on hospice. Thursday she had a chest tube placed and that night her parents drained it for the first time. While they were draining it she told me that her eyes rolled back in her head as she passed out and started gurgling. 911 was called and she was taken to the ER in Price. Her BP was 60 something over 60 something. They decided a home health nurse would be a better fit to drain the tube just in case something like that happened again. Her lung keeps producing so much dang fluid, her cough is painful and induces vomiting. She now has not eaten in over a week due to the pressure the lung is putting on her stomach (most likely). It's just decided to really ramp up in the last week. So I had made the decision to call out sick from work on Monday to go see/surprise her. Saturday and Sunday night I prayed that she would still be here on Monday so I could see her one more time. And thank goodness she was. As I was driving through the canyon her mom texts me and says "Are you still coming to visit today?" I told her I was halfway there and she says "Good. She really needs you today." Of course I cried. Because I need her like everyday. 

It was a super relaxed visit. She can't do much plus her nurses were there draining her for a good portion of the time. I talked a lot with her family and it was just nice being there. Me and Tara cried as she spoke with her nurses about how ready she is to pass on. This is where the last week has been just one giant rollercoaster of emotions. Im so angry that my best friend has had to go through this in the first place. Im angry that treatment didn't work. And Im angry that it had to be my best friend. My one of like two best friends. Seriously Heavenly Father? Im sad watching my friend suffer, lose her hair, her strength, her ability to eat, to run and dance and play sports and enjoy the life that she loves. Erin is seriously the first person I think of when it comes to someone who really enjoys and lives life to the fullest. So why her? Im heartbroken to see her poor mother and father lose yet another child. They are some of the strongest people I know. Her sisters having to watch their older sister and lifelong example be sick and die so young. But Im also so dang proud of Erin. Im so happy that she is so courageous to have made the decision to stop treatment and to end her suffering. Im so excited (because I know how ready and excited she is) for to graduate this life and to rejoin with her brothers and loved ones on the other side. Im forever grateful for the years I have been able to call Erin my best friend and our epic memories will be on display in my life forever. And to be honest Im totally lost and confused as to what Im going to do when she's gone. It makes me sick thinking about it. One of the last big trials and dark places in my life - Erin was my greatest friend and source of light to help me through that time. And now with this sad point in life I won't have her to be that friend that I need. so yeah - from angry to happy and really everywhere in between depending on the day - its been tough. But I know there's a plan for her and I guess she's needed on the other side. I still think I need her more, but whatever. So Monday was rough. I sobbed pretty much all day. I joked with Erin the other night that I cry probably as much tears as they drain fluid from her lung each day. I believe it too. I mean my eyes were nice and swollen come Tuesday morning. Anyways - this Christmas has been hard. My mind is constantly thinking about the hurst family and its hard to find joy even in Christmas when your best friend and her family are going through what they're going through. This is where my empathy is a weakness because things like this just kill me. Well that's enough emotional wreck talk - Ive once again soaked my t shirt with tears. What can I say - I love my people. And speaking of my people - being with family the last couple of days has helped. 

Dixie rock tradition on Christmas Eve is always a highlight

Kyle had his rappelling gear so that that was added to the docket of things we did that morning. Everyone loved it. 

And of course the infamous crack. Haha I laughed as many of us this year said "it seems a lot tighter this year" We are all just getting older which means bigger sadly. BUT we made it. woohoo

After the crack we celebrated our skinniness as usual by pounding some wings at bww. 

Then we gathered that evening for the wells women's wrestling throw down. Hahah jk but only kinda. We do get pretty into the games that Lauri plans for us. But we enjoyed some delicious Mexican food and lots of quality family time. We started this year with a human slot machine which was a new game. Then the good ole candy guessing game... Emma and I swept all three candy Jars. Then a fan favorite the - present game. Which is when the wrestling and rough housing began. There were some epic battles and I don't believe anyone got completely hurt. Maybe just some egos. Honestly us Swells crew really brought home the loot. 

After the games, grandma did her annual pow wow and gift giving. Socks for the win! And we ended the night with an epic dance party. Featuring classic wells songs like Cake and Low. The sibs ended the night watching polar express and then slept like babies until 0730 on Christmas morning. 

a love/hate relationship with the scavenger hunts. They're fun, but not when you're stupid and don't understand the riddles ahah. 

The last clue was in the pool - so polar plunge it was. And it's my request to add that to every year from now on. I have no pictures of the rest of Christmas Day, but a lovely breakfast, brought to us by Nikki. I think most of us look forward to her biscuits and gravy all year long. And that evening a Cafe rio dinner brought to us by Mom. The holidays are the best because of the people and the food, let's be honest. The evening of Christmas we played the traditional candy bar game, listened to mom and Jeremy on the piano and played the silent nerf gun game. It was a blast. Family time is the best time. Grateful for this time of year and to reflect on the things I'm grateful for.