All I want for Christmas...

 Honestly, we are going to skip straight to what's important because really its the only thing I wanted for Christmas this year... I PASSED! I GRADUATED! IM DONE! WITH SCHOOL FOREVER! I could end the blog right there because it's really the greatest thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks. My arrogant professor ended up giving me all 100s on my last two weeks of school which brought my grade up to barely passing at an 85%. My lowest grade probably ever, but I don't care because I passed. Anyways go me. Im just a little happy and I'm sure everyone around me is sick of hearing about it, but it really has been the greatest week not having to worry about school and just being able to breathe and relax and sleep without a big looming dark cloud of anxiety above me at all times. However, it still doesnt feel real. Like Im just waiting for something bad to happen since the last few months has been nothing but bad news after bad news. But like I said - it's been over a week now so I think I'm in the clear!

With all that being said - this is a selfie of me enjoying sitting on the couch and watching TV with no homework in sight haha. 

Also a selfie of me going to work for the first time without my laptop in my backpack. Besides a few weeks to month long breaks in between classes I really have never worked as a nurse without being in school and man life is easy when you just gotta show up for work and that's it. I will say right off the bat though... night shift is pretty boring when you don't have homework to do - I gotta find some hobbies to fill my time during work now. This is also technically my first time showing up to work as not just a BSN nurse, but now a nurse with an MSN. crazy. 

One of my last shifts before the holiday Karee dropped off some chocolate milk and a donut for me at my house. It was a yummy mid-shift sugar rush. She's the best. 

Second best gift of Christmas other than graduating was dad driving me home from SLC on Christmas Eve morning. I had to work the night of the 23rd so Christmas Eve morning he flew up north to so that I could sleep on my home. It was so nice to not have to worry about staying awake the whole drive and making it home safely. Thank you dad, you're the best. seriously. 

Grandma and Randy were at our house waiting our arrival to celebrate Christmas Eve. Usually this day looks like hiking the red hill, but with all of our cousins out of town and having the weather be a little dreary we decided to head to longhorn for a nice lunch instead. It was delicious as always and it was kind of nice to have it be a quiet, lowkey Christmas Eve. 

I don't have a single photo from Christmas Day... but it was great. Slept in, had a deliciousss breakfast of monkey bread and hash brown cups with hot coco. Opened some presents, I think I might have napped and then dinner with mom's family was smoked tri-tip and all the other good stuff to go along with it. I think I napped every day of Christmas break and I loved every minute of it. So life is good. Oh and can't forget piano duets brought to us by mom and Jeremy. 

During my days in St. George, like I said many naps and hanging around doing a lot of chilling, rewatching stranger things volume two a bazillion times. Dad and I also checked out the stg stairs. On top of an arm workout and walking 4.5 miles that morning with mom - I was about dead after my first up and back. I ended up finishing two laps, but man lets just say I think its been four days and I still can't walk completely right. Probably should jump back into working out with all that intensity, but oh well. It was impressive seeing people grind up and down. Dad did four sets plus had a weighted vest on. Beast mode. Im honestly trying to think of other things I did while in stg, but I'm blanking. Overall a much needed chill few days off. 

Monday December 29th I decided to head back up north, but not because I needed to get back to work or anything. I just really wanted to see Erins family. The 29th marks one year since she passed away and I knew I wanted to spend time with the hursts. Ya know, this whole year has been really difficult dealing with grief and the ups and downs that come with it. I will say that I think I started to become OK around September/October of this year. Football season brought about some extra emotions and obviously there are still times it would hit me and tears would flow, but I wasnt constantly struggling with grief anymore. I thought the year mark would bring about extra emotions - and it did, but not in ways that I expected it. Of course I still missed her on the 29th. but I more felt like I was reliving and remembering the pain her and her loved ones felt this time last year. Christmas of 2024 was HARD and remembering those times this year was pretty difficult as well. But another thing I had to tell myself to remember was the complete relief I felt on the morning of December 29th 2024. Around 8am when her sister, Katelyn, called me - it really was a huge relief. I was actually happy for Erin. That happiness only lasted a brief second before the rush of grief took over, but I think it's important to remember there was relief and happiness in those super dark and hard days.

Anyways - it was really good to see the hursts. I don't think I would be OK in my grief right now if it weren't for them. I considered them family when Erin was on earth, but I never thought I would become closer to them after my best friend left the picture. It was a fun day surprising the girls and Frank and Tara. We talked and cried and hugged and laughed and it was good for the soul to be with them, especially on that day. I made sure to stop by Erin's gravesite on the way out of town. I actually haven't been to the cemetery since she was buried almost a year ago. I wrote in my journal and cried on the cold ground. It was a good day, but still learning all that comes with grief. 

Well to end this blog... since Ive waited till January first to write the dang thing I guess we should wrap up with a new years reflection/goals. Well this year sucked. like a lot. Ive said it before but it was pretty much a constant kick in the crotch. However, there were some very high moments. To name a few off the top of my head...swimming with dolphins at Waimea Bay duh - highlight of my life actually. Skydiving with Jackie, hanging out with Jack in general. Watching him graduate, go through the temple, cheering him on in his races, etc. Picking Seth up at the airport from his mission and getting to go to Cincinnati with him last month. This whole football season has been a blast. Visiting beautiful banff with mom and eating some yummy elk poutine and beavertails. I also have to mention this last year I achieved all three goals I set - I kinda knew this year was gonna be a hard one so I set very achievable, more fun goals, but nonetheless still things I wanted to accomplish. 1. attend every temple in utah ✅ 2. incorporate flossing and mouthwash into my oral hygiene routine ✅ 3. learn the BYU fight song ✅ So yes, this year was overall the worst year of my life so far. Definitely hit the lowest of lows and quite literally fought for my life through physical, emotional and mental pain yay. But there were still good times and I made it through. We can do hard things. We can even do a lot of really hard things while dealing with other really hard things. 

Looking forward to 2026 - I mean I think it can only get better from here (I sure hope 2026 isn't worse than 2025). My goals this year really include just bringing myself back to life. I want to be happy and healthy again. I want to spend my time doing things that bring me joy. I want to get my back and body feeling better. And I want to just have fun. I hope to travel a bunch and probably take a big leap into a new career and maybe even move further away. Sounds like a good year to me... Well that's about it for now. Im currently at work and it's 2am. I rang in the new year without even realizing it because I was way too focused on the finale of stranger things season 5. I think it was a practically perfect way to end this decade long series. I may have sobbed like a baby, but it was great. I might just have to re-watch it right now actually haha.  

noise cancelling headphones for the win - locked in for a full 2 hours at work. Don't worry my one patient was just fine. Ok that's it for now. Peace out 2025 - you won't be missed.